My mother was the daughter of two Polish immigrants. She and her sister and brother grew up in Niagara Falls, The Honeymoon Capital of the World. They spent most of their lives there. Growing up, my mother liked ice skating and going to the movies especially those featuring Shirley Temple, Mickey Rooney, Gene Kelly, and Rock Hudson. My mother had beautiful penmanship. In 1948, she married my father. They raised three demanding daughters and two mischievous sons who all would earn Master’s Degrees (and I went on for a Ph.D.) My mother somehow found time to read books after cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and checking our homework. We always had LIFE, TIME, THE SATURDAY EVENING POST, READER’S DIGEST, NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC, and many other magazines in our mailbox. When I was in third grade, my mother (aka, “Santa”) placed Tom Swift and the Caves of Nuclear Fire under our Christmas tree for me and ignited a lifetime passion for reading. Baking was her passion so we always had cookies and cakes galore. My mother’s specialty was placek, a Polish dessert bread. The happy Kelley household always had the scent of apple pie or taffy tarts in the air. She also enjoyed playing card games and board games. Her favorite musicals were My Fair Lady and Oklahoma!.
My father retired after teaching and working as a guidance counselor for 35 years. My mother and my father traveled to Pearl Harbor (where my father was stationed for part of World War II) and were in the Rose Bowl for Super Bowl XXVII when the Buffalo Bills lost to the Dallas Cowboys. They flew to Florida and Arizona to visit my sisters on a regular basis.
That all came to an end when my father died suddenly in 2000 after a massive heart attack, probably triggered by a blood clot caused by his total knee replacement surgery; I began to visit my mother’s house every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday after that. My three sisters lived out-of-state. I would take my mother shopping. She loved Sam’s Club because of all the free food stations. But I noticed my mother was forgetting. I had extra car keys and house keys made because she kept losing them. Her short-term memory got shorter. Finally, I took my mother to a neurologist. After a battery of tests, the neurologist told my mother, “Mrs. Kelley, it’s likely you have Alzheimer’s. You can’t drive any more.”
For years, I drove my mother everywhere she wanted to go. She would have loved to live with Diane and me, but we already had our hands full with Diane’s 90-year-old-mother living with us. She refused to live with her daughters. “I’m not going to move to Florida or Arizona,” she declared. “This is my home.” My mother started falling in her house. She forgot to eat. I used to sit with her at dinnertime and kept reminding her to take a bite of her food. She was easily distracted. I suggested we get a companion to stay with her. My mother said, “I don’t want strangers in my house!”
Finally, my brother, my sisters, and I had a meeting and decided it wasn’t safe for my mother to live alone. We researched the local nursing homes and found my mother a room at the Northgate Alzheimer’s Unit. For seven years, my mother sang songs, made puzzles, played bingo, and made loops around the unit using her walker for safety. Each day I visited my mother, I tried to accomplish two things: make her laugh and stir her long-term memories. For the first few years, my mother laughed and remembered. But then she lost more memory. When my brother, who handled all of our mother’s financial matters, visited her a year ago, she asked him, “Do I know you?” He cried. My mother forgot who her daughters were, too. And this was about the time my mother stopped smiling.
My mother recognized me right up until the end, probably because I visited her the most and I always brought her a treat: pudding, cookies, candies, and her favorite snack, Snickers. My mother suffered a stroke around Thanksgiving. She rallied for a few days, then she suffered a second stroke. After that, her health declined fast. Had she lived a few more weeks she would have turned 89. As I visited my mother in the Alzheimer’s Unit over those seven years she spent there, I saw her diminished a little each day. What didn’t diminish was my love for my mother.
That was very moving, George. My best to you at this difficult time.
Dan, thank you for your condolences.
Yes, thank you for that really moving story, George – which shows the good side of the USA again to me:
Immigrants using the chances they found in the USA and doing the best for their families. And. it seems to me your mother had a full life and enjoyed it too as long as she could. With my parents it was the other way round: My mother was diagnosed (too late for a therapy …) with leukemia and died soon after so my father tred valiantly to cope with all the stuff like cooking and cleaning that my mother had done for him until he agreed to go into a retirement home.
A bit OT:
I fondly remember the German edition of Reader’s Digest which my grandmother had subscribed to – it introduced me to many American authors whose books I later found in the library of our “America House”. Reading all kinds of stuff was also a common trait od my family and I’m thankful too for this to my parents …
Wolf, I appreciate your kind words. My mother and father encouraged us to read so there were always books and magazines throughout our house.
No matter at what age or under what circumstances, it is always hard to lose a loved one. Alzheimer’s is an especially evil thief. It’s no surprise to me that you were a good son, George. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Diane and your entire family.
Jerry, you’re right about Alzheimer’s being a cruel disease. It was hard to see my mother’s personality slowly disappear.
So sorry for your loss, George. My deepest condolences to you and your family. Losing a loved one is so difficult–and losing someone at this time of year makes it even harder. Love, prayers, and good thoughts for you and everyone who is grieving. Take care.
Deb, thank you. Last December, Diane’s mother died. This December my mother died. December has become a sad month for us.
Not nine o’clock and I am crying already. A good child is a gift indeed. And both of your mothers (yours and Diane’s ) had a good child. She may have forgotten most things but I know she never forgot that.
Patti, sorry for your tears. I wanted to celebrate my mother’s life in my Eulogy. She had 80 good years and 8 tough years. As you know, being a care-giver is difficult.
And that’s a darling photograph of her.
Patti, I always liked the early photos of my mother. And I love the hat!
I’m so sorry to hear this. You and Diane were amazing in your love and care of elderly parents. They (and you) were lucky to have each other.
Maggie, Diane and I had great parents. We’re just glad we were able to help our parents when they needed us.
Once again, our condolences to you and Diane and your family. It is a particularly devastating disease. Even though it wasn’t Alzheimers, we went through something quite similar with Jackie’s mother after her father died. The decline from November to February was so shocking that Jackie called both of her sisters from Florida and insisted they do something immediately. It is very hard, but you did an amazing job.
Jeff, I was fortunate to have a brother and three sisters who worked with me on my mother’s Care Plan. We were able to agree on the legal approach to protect some of my mother’s assets and which nursing home to place her in. My mother’s declining health affected them more than it did me when they were in town for a visit. The changes they saw were shocking, I saw the changes occurring every other day in small but steady increments.
My mother was obsessed with memory and Alzheimers. She was always worried about forgetting things but that was never an issue. She read voraciously, did jigsaw and crossword and other word puzzles daily, played cards. My father’s mother seemed to have Alzheimers so he got into a study group and did testing for the rest of his life, but he always came out perfectly on all tests, so both were lucky in that way.
I remember watching a 3-part series on Alzheimers on HBO a few years ago and the one that hit the hardest was a family of 6 or 7 kids where every one but one of them had early onset, some starting in their late thirties.
Jeff, it’s tough to watch your mother slowly fade away.
It’s true. We were lucky that way with my mother. One day she was calling Jackie while doing her favorite activity, shopping at Kohl’s, the next day she went into the hospital for “minor surgery” and that was it. As long as she is alive in your memories she is not totally gone. I keep half-expecting my mother to call to talk about the latest GOOD WIFE or what movies are opening.
Jeff, Alzheimer’s erasing my mother’s memories confounded my brother and sisters when they visited her. I saw the problem getting worse over the years in smaller doses, but it was just as terrible.
I’m so sorry to hear of your Mom’s passing, George. She sounds like an interesting lady and a great person to know. She certainly did right by her children.
I’m glad she remembered you up to the end. I think it’s particularly soul-crushing to visit a loved one – especially a parent – and face the fact that they have no idea who you are and their importance in your life.
My elderly relatives, with the exception of my mother, were competent until death. Mom suffered several falls and had dementia towards the end. I pray that Alzheimer’s passes us over.
Beth, thank you for your kind words. This has been a tough time for Diane because her mother died a year ago at the same time: just before Christmas. It’s deja vu all over again for Diane. My mother’s Wake today will be in the same funeral home her mother’s Wake took place. So many similarities!
Beautiful tribute to a beautiful person. My condolences to all the family.
Bill, I’m glad you liked my Eulogy. It’s hard to capture a whole Life in a few words, but I tried to share some details of my mother to show what a wonderful person she was. Like memories of my father, I’ll think about my mother every day.
I am so sorry for your loss, George, and am proud of the kind of son you were to your mother. More and more I fear that is a lost art in our world, the art of taking responsibility to care for our ailing parents. Memory loss is so hard to deal with. One of my dearest friends was a lady I worked with who had become like a grandmother to me. Long after her health forced her to retire we stayed friends and it was devastating to watch her lose her short term memory and not be the person I or her family remembered her being. But even with that I am thankful for every moment I had with her, as I know you were with your mother.
This is a great tribute to your mom and I thank you for sharing it with us.
Carl, your experience with your friend’s memory loss gives you insight into what my siblings and I were dealing with for nearly a decade. It’s hard to watch someone you love become a pale shadow of themselves.
A fine and moving tribute, George. Were you perhaps inspired by “The Long Goodbye”, a long-form farewell to his mother that Terry Teachout ran in his Arts Journal blog? You’ll want to read it if you haven’t already.
Art, thanks for the heads up on the Terry Teachout “The Long Goodbye” postings. I just read them. Great minds think alike. Patrick is busy scanning photos for the looping HDTV display of my mother’s life in pictures at the funeral home this afternoon. Patrick and Katie also designed the program for the Funeral Mass tomorrow. They’ve been a big help both for Helen’s and my mother’s Wake and Funeral preparations.
So sorry, George, though for the best, considering. You were a Good Son, in every way, you should be proud. It’s so hard to lose a parent, it’s something that’s hard to get over. May your sadness decrease each day.
Rick, thanks for your wise words.
George, my father also had a kind of forgetfullness in his last years – but I prefer to remember the earlier years, as you hopefully also will, when you had an intimate connection to your mother!
A bit OT:
I just read that for about a quarter of the girl babies that are born today in the developed countries (EU, USA, Canada etc) there’s a life expectancy of a hundred years …
Let’s hope that they can spend most of these years like George’s mother spent her first 80 years and maybe a “cure” for Alzheimer’s will be found .
I know of course that this can’t help George and his family in their sorrow – but still …
And even more OT:
Whenever we walk around the inner city of Tübingen which I’m proud to call my home we pass an old house with a plaque:
Alois Alzheimer lived here as a student.
He also gave the first talk about the illness at a medical congress in Tübingen.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alois_Alzheimer
Wolf, the ALzheimer’s Unit my mother was residing in for seven years was 90% women. My mother outlived all the residents who were there seven years ago. That was both a Good Thing and a Bad Thing.
Wolf, the American longevity statistics are starting to drop because of all the opioid deaths across the U.S. It’s an epidemic. Part of the problem with Alzheimer’s is that we still don’t know what causes it. Is it genetic? Is it caused by environmental factors? What can prevent it? A lot of research is going on so maybe we’ll get some answers in the years ahead.
So sorry for your loss George! I lost my mom at 58 and I still miss her every day. Even though you just lost yours, I know you will still miss her the same.
Scott, thank you for your kind sentiments. I miss my Dad every day and now I’ll be missing my Mom They were great parents and wonderful people!
A moving tribute and a sad story. In a way, people with Alzheimer’s disease die long before their bodies give out. Watching the decline is heartbreaking.
One silly question: If both of your parents were Polish, where did the name Kelley come from?
Bob, my father’s name was George Kelley, Sr. I’m the junior version. Diane’s Polish mother and my Polish mother married Irishmen. That’s how Diane got to be a real redhead!
Ah, I see I misread your first sentence.
Thank you for this moving document which so vividly enables the reader to get to know and love your Mother. Such extraordinary devotion of a son to his Mother all through the various stages of life is uplifting and an inspiration. Love is easy to verbalize. But it requires much selflessness and sacrifice to put into action, especially in the cruel challenges of later life. Your Mother was indeed blessed to have had such a son. I, too, am fortunate to have experienced your devoted friendship for well over four decades.
George, you inspired me by the care your gave to your father. You are an Only Child so the whole burden of care fell on you. I had a brother and three sisters to help me out. I couldn’t have done it without them!
But George, you were the only one of the 5 children who lived there.That is like being an only child.
And the length of time you were so constantly needed was huge compared to my couple years It gets draining exponentially as the months and years go by.
You also had Diane’s Mother living WITH you at the same time ! And you had a full-time job.
What also was so wonderful for your Mother’s benefit is your cheerful ,upbeat disposition.Your vibrant spirit probably extended her life by quite a lot.But more significantly than longevity ,on every occasion you would have lifted her spirits and given her joy , in an otherwise bleak life. I can really visualize you coming in to her room and cheering her !!
George, you understand the situation I was in. I tried to do what I could to make my mother’s last years as comfortable as possible. I always had a knack of making her laugh so that came in handy during my visits with her. My sisters and brother did what they could to help.