While taking care of his elderly parents, Steven Petrow started making lists of “things I won’t do when I get old.” Clearly Petrow had problems with dealing with his aging parents and disagreed with them on many issues. For example, his parents resisted hearing aids.
Petrow’s parents also insisted on continuing to drive despite indications that they shouldn’t. As Petrow discovered, older people can be stubborn. When Petrow suggested helpful aids like a walker or adult incontinence pads, he triggered a lot of “push back.”
Glancing at Petrow’s list below you’ll see what he learned from caring for his elderly parents and how he’s planning for his own “later years.” Petrow provides a window into caregiving and steps we can all take to meet the problems of aging.
Do you have a plan for your “Golden Years”? GRADE: B+
Table of Contents:
Introduction: I Won’t Become Like My Parents When I Get Old 1
Part I Stupid Things I Won’t do Today 9
I Won’t Color My Hair (Even If It Worked for Diane Sawyer) 11
I Won’t Double-Space After Periods 18
I Won’t Be Afraid to Fall (Yes, You Read That Right) 26
I Won’t Stop Rocking Those “Too Young for You” Outfits 31
I Won’t Limit Myself to Friends My Own Age 36
I Won’t Lie About My Age (Even on Dating Apps) 42
I Won’t Join the “Organ Recital” 48
I Won’t Deny That I’m Slow to Rise (and I’m Okay with That) 53
I Won’t Avoid Looking at Myself Naked in the Mirror 59
I Won’t Become a Miserable Malcontent, a Cranky Curmudgeon, or a Surly Sourpuss 64
I Won’t Pass Up a Chance to Pee (Even When I Don’t Have To) 69
I Won’t Lie to My Doctor Anymore (Because These Lies Can Kill) 73
I Won’t Refuse to Change My Ways 79
I Won’t Tell My Life Story When Someone Asks, “How Are You?” 85
I Won’t Get My Knickers in a Twist at “Okay, Boomer” 89
I Won’t Be Honest to a Fault When Lying Is Kinder 92
I Won’t Worry About What I Can’t Control 96
I Won’t Stop Believing in Magic 101
Part II Stupid Things I Won’t do Tomorrow 107
I Won’t Blame the Dog for My Leaky Pipes 109
I Won’t Keep Driving When I Become a Threat to Others 114
I Won’t Stop Enjoying Myself (and Yes, I’ll Have the Occasional Candy Bar) 122
I Won’t Hoard the Butter Pats 125
I Won’t Wait Until I’m Deaf to Get a Hearing Aid (or, “What? What Did You Say?”) 130
I Won’t Fall Prey to Scams, Schemes, or Sleazeballs 136
I Won’t Burden My Family with Taking Care of Me 142
I Won’t Let a Walker Ruin My Style (but I’ll Still Use It) 150
I Won’t Smell like a Decrepit Old Man 155
I Won’t Whine About How Much Things Cost 160
I Won’t Play the Age Card 164
I Won’t Forget My Manners 167
I Won’t Be Ordering the Early Bird Special 172
I Won’t Turn My House into a Sweat Lodge 177
I Won’t Repeat Stories More Than One Hundred Times 180
I Won’t Be Unkind to Those with Dementia 184
I Won’t Let Anyone Treat Me with Disrespect 189
I Won’t Lose My Balance 194
Part III Stupid Things I Won’t do at “The End” 199
I Won’t Depart This Life Without Someone Holding My Hand 201
I Won’t Let Anything Stop Me from Saying I Love You … and Goodbye 207
I Won’t Postpone for Tomorrow What Matters to Me Today 216
I Won’t Let Anyone Else Write My Obituary 221
I Wont Forget to Plan My Own Funeral 224
I Won’t Die Without Writing Letters to My Loved Ones 229
I Won’t Be Disappointed by My Life 237
Afterword 245
Acknowledgments 251
About the Authors 257
God, how I hate self-help books! Good thing you’re around to fill in the consumer gap I represent!
Bob, I think the correct term is “self-improvement.”
The woman looks like the current manifestation of Dear Abby.
We can all say what we PLAN to do when we get too old to drive, hear properly, or make it to the bathroom in time, but as to whether any of us will carry through with those plans, the jury’s still out because you have to be clear-headed enough to know you’re declining—and that may be a narrow window. For example, when my mother was in her late sixties, she asked my sister to tell her if she (Mum) ever started doing or saying illogical things; fast forward a decade and Mum was beginning to lose the thread, but when my sister gently pointed this out, Mum got furious & upset, totally in denial (although, thank God, she never liked driving and was happy to stop doing that after a couple of minor fender-benders). The subject was not broached again (my mother did ultimately have Alzheimer’s). I will say that everyone should have a will, a living will, and funeral directions planned out—and that their loved ones know where all important papers are. That’s the responsible thing to do—but as to what we will/will not do when we get older, I can only insert the “shrug” emoji here.
Deb, I encountered similar experiences with my mother who also had Alzheimer’s. We have a will, a living will, and I’m donating my body to SUNY at Buffalo’s Medical School. Diane bought a plot next to her mother and father’s graves at a local cemetery. Katie, who has a degree in Elder Care and works for an Elder Care service in Boston, offers practical advice as we get older. But, you’re right: our mental capacity to deal with aging problems is a key variable.
Deb, I swear I thought that about Dear Abby too!
Great minds think alike.
Heck, I’m still working on on the Stupid Things I’ll Do Before I Get Old…and that list just keeps growing.
One thing I WILL NOT do is stop using a double space after a period because a single space is just plain stupid. And get off my lawn!
Jerry, I try to avoid Stupid Things in all categories. But shit happens…
Amen, Jerry! That’s how we were taught and anyone who doesn’t like it, can go jump in the lake.
As someone who sometimes has to prepare manuscripts for publishers, I adapted to the single space after periods pretty quickly. Interestingly, on Apple, to get a period you input a double space, and it displays a period and a single space.
Some of the professional writers I deal with still double space; I do a global search and replace, which will search for double spaces and replace them with single ones.
I think all of us would hope to be able to abide by this list but much of it is out of our control. And this list is so long and complex, you would barely have time to do anything but consult it all the time. And you should be afraid to fall. Both of my parents died shortly after a fall. And apparently most people over a certain age do.
Patti, most elderly people fall because they have untreated vertigo. Balance issues increase with age and unless addressed, falls are inevitable.
My widowed neighbor (92) fell in her house, broke her hip, and was unable to get up for three days! She was found by the guy who mows her lawn. Her three daughters (one of whom lives fairly close by) had not checked on her. If ever there was a case for a Life Alert (“Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”), it would be her.
Deb, we had a baby monitor in Diane’s mother’s room. But one night Diane’s mother–who hated to use the bedside commode–decided to go the bathroom just down the hall from her bedroom. She fell in the bathroom and her voice was so weak the baby monitor didn’t pick it up. Diane discovered her mother on the bathroom floor in the morning. Diane was horrified! The last year of Diane’s mother’s life with us was a nightmare.
Absolutely be afraid to fall! That is ridiculous advice. After Jackie’s knee replacement surgery, we were down here and she tripped (she has never had the greatest balance). She was able to twist herself so she fell on the other side rather than the bad knee. She hurt her wrist but it wasn’t serious.
Of course, three years ago I tripped and fell in the house and broke my shoulder. And I generally do have good balance. Falls are one of the worst things for people who are old or getting there.
That double-space made more sense in typewriter days. Nowadays, we’re all our own typesetters.
Albeit computers as weird as this Acer, which decided This was where this comment above should go, make one long on some days for typewriters’ return.
Todd, I don’t blame computers as much as I blame software for driving me crazy. Especially WORDPRESS!
Oh, if anything I’m being kind to the Acer, which has problems mostly because the frame of the keyboard can brush up against some active portion of the keys, causing no little unpredictable behavior. But, when one buys the cheapest big-name computer on the market, one definitely gets the irritation one paid for. I will give the Acer an A- for battery life and S for Satisfactory for retaining a calculator-style number pad on the keyboard, which is something alien to Apples and increasingly to PC clones. (F- for its ridiculous audio volume control, which isn’t Too different nor much worse than that on upmarket Dells. As in, what the Dell were you all thinking?)
But, yes, various software deserves no little contumely, as well.
Even though I’m ancient myself I’d like to suggest an additional No-No for old people: Stop writing checks in the grocery checkout line! Get a credit or debit card.
Michael, you are so right! You would think check writers would have the date and their signature already written in while they wait to see what the amount will be just to hurry things along…but, no.
Not only that. What about the ones who wait until their order is checked out before they even start to look for their checkbook? I have never used a check in the grocery store and never will. I think it’s more women than men who do. A real man not only has his money ready to pay, he has the right change in his hand ready! These days I always use a credit card (unless it is a few dollars, when the cash in hand rule applies.)
Jeff, same here. I use cash for all grocery purchases. Like you, I groan when I see the person in front of me in line looking for their checkbook.
Last year I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, so I don’t have to worry about getting too much older, but I am trying to work out details for spending the next year or two in ease & splendor. First on the list is a “Going out of Everything” sale at the next movie and/or pulp convention.
Dan, you always enjoyed Life with a flourish!
I’m sorry to hear that, Dan. Why were you given such a poor prognosis? I thought MG was manageable.
Jeff I’d rather not go into it all here. Nothing duller than an old geezer who is not me going on about his medial history. In fact, I think there’s as chapter in the book about it.
Now my overall comment. I agree with a lot (but not all) the things he said. The “don’t worry about falling” one is a major disagreement. Damn straight I worry, especially about Jackie, though I am the one with the broken shoulder.
A lot of these applied to my parents. My mother fell a LOT in later years. She broke the same wrist twice and her collarbone once, yet she wouldn’t remove the stupid, dangerous area rugs from her house and was too vain to use a cane or a walker. She wasn’t a great driver and, in fact, ran over a friend in the parking lot. Jackie tried to get my father to stop driving in later years but he kept up, and as far as I know he never had an accident. When we visited, I drove most of the time. Jackie’s father admitted he couldn’t see at night, and for the last 10 years he was alive he had me do all the driving when we visited. But the rest of the year, oy vey. He got into an accident where he hit two cars, then drove home! The Sheriff came to call. As for hearing issues, my in-laws’ television could be head a block away. My father was the same until he finally got a hearing aid. After my mother died, he refused to move to a sensible “independent living” place (“I’m going to die in my own house!”), but he did have a Life Alert, a good thing as the Fire Rescue Squad seemed to be there several times a week. Otherwise my sister would be driving an hour from Scottsdale to deal with him.
Part I:
Jackie says “Pfui!” to the “no hair dye” one. She is not ready to go grey, nor will she be in the foreseeable future. I covered the double-spacing and fall issues. I still dress as I always have. If it is “too young,” anyone who thinks so can bite me. As fhr the Cranky Curmudgeon thing, I’m afraid that ship has sailed. (And get off my lawn!)
Part II:
I have cut back on driving at night and we take four days to get to Florida rather than three. If there is a problem (Jackie doesn’t drive), I believe I will recognize it and act accordingly, but we’ll see. Yeah, we are very on top of scams and the like. Walkers? If that day comes, we’ll see. No whining about what things cost. In fact, I have never been more casual about costs of things and buying whatever the heck we want. Who am I saving it for? I’m worth it. What’s wrong with the Early Bird special? We ordered it in our ‘fifties. (Actually, we mostly eat out at lunchtime these days, and when we got out for dinner it is not in Early Bird time.) Jackie is the one who likes heat, not me. She has been complaining about the cold down here, wearing heavy pajamas and socks to bed and using an extra blanket. Not me. Yes to the “no treating me with disrespect” thing. I’ve walked out of restaurants where that has been an issue. YOu don’t want my buiness? Screw you!
Jeff, I’m with you on falling. Too many of our friends experienced catastrophic falls–broken arms, hips, shoulders, wrists, feet, etc.–and some have died of complications afterwards. Diane joins Jackie in the hair dye debate. Some people look good in gray…others don’t.
When I turned 70, my ophthalmologist gave me “The Talk.” “Do not drive at night,” she advised. “I tell all my patients 70 and older not to drive at night because their eyesight in the darkness puts them at risk of accidents and falls.” Diane and I rarely go out at night. We always preferred lunches and matinees to dinners and later performances.
My cousin (he’s a year younger than me) fell and hit his elbow and broke a bone and hurt both of his wrists. Falls can be deadly!
I try and stay off the roads after dark too.
Jeff, the Chairman of my department at the College fell on black ice and knocked out several teeth. It cost him over $10,000 to get them “fixed.”
I had to laugh out loud – yes, I spelled it out – at turning your house into a sweat lodge.
And I am definitely afraid of falling. Apparently the acceptable amount of times is 2 as long as you don’t hit your head.
Otherwise, I’m leaning into old age. But when the eyes are gone, I’m done.
Beth, I’m stocking up on audiobooks–I have over a 100 of them now–so when my eyes are gone my ears can take over. So far, my hearing is good.
I”m apparently in the minority I can’t wait until my hair turns completely grey. I had to get my real ID & Used some goop that an actor who had black hair and had to go grey used. It worked for the pix but is goopy and made my hair sticky. A friend of mine broke my heart when he shaved his beard & mustache and cut his hair. It was gorgeous grey/white
I go out of my way to avoid falls, and have things all thru the house I can reach for and hold onto if I might need it.
I still use 2 spaces after periods and always will.
Maggie, we may have some “grab bars” installed at different locations in our house. We have grab bars in our showers and they work well.
When Jackie had her knee replacement we got bars in the shower and next to the toilet. She really appreciates having them.
Jeff, I use the grab bars every time I take a shower. I feel a lot safer that way.
After a Sunday watching two very disappointing football outcomes – BAH! – then some boring TV and a night’s sleep, I wake up to your horror story aging post. BAH, DOUBLE BAH. I’ll write a check if I want to, drive if I want to, cry if I want to (see what I did there?).
We have grab bars in our master bath, and they’re great. My biggest age enemy is my weight, a forever battle, it seems.
Rick, tomorrow’s post will be blast from the Past.
Some falls are the result of mini-strokes! Linda’s father had two and broke or cracked a hip each time.! I fell and couldn’t get up twice in one night in September, which is why I spent six days in the hospital! I had a blood infection!
Bob, sorry to hear about your fall in September. When I go to my Yearly Physical, the first question the Physician’s Assistant asks me is: “Have you fallen since your last appointment.” I’m happy to respond: “No.”
I don’t worry about falls. I have no balance problems so far. I have always promised myself no walkers. If it gets to that point I don’t want to be around anymore.
I still dress like I did when younger. Tennis shows, Levis (no crappy jeans from Walmart for me), t shirts or sweaters, black leather jacket. I don’t even own a suit, tie or dress shows.
Really agree about the check writing. When I used to pay by check eons ago, I always filled it out while they were ringing me up. Leaving only the amount left to be filled in. Now I usually go through the self-checkout so it is not a problem.
Two other problems for too many seniors-not being able to figure out how to use the simplest electronics such as a remote or cell phone and learning how to drive through a roundabout.
Steve, you’re right about Senior Citizens been resistant to learning how to use technology. Our check book never leaves the house. When bills come in, Diane writes the check for payment, I put it in the envelope, I seal it, and then mail it–usually the same day.
Checkbook? I pay online.
Jeff, we’ve been hacked online. For a year, a collection agency hounded me over a fictions PAYPAL purchase: $1100 on sneakers! They finally discovered I was innocent and apologized. But I’m not going through that harassment again. We’ve never had a problem with checks that we’ve used for over 40 years.