THE STATE OF AFFAIRS: RETHINKING INFIDELITY By Esther Perel


The motto of AshleyMadison.com is “Life is short, have an affair.” Esther Perel, a therapist in New York City, has worked with couples with marriage problems for the past 10 years. And, the Number One problem these couples deal with is affairs. The Internet acts like gasoline dumped on a fire. Sex is just a click away. Many people think an affair will “fix” what’s wrong in their relationship. Perel writes about marriages where one partner loses interest in sex. There’s also the pornography factor. The mass migration to online life is also an accelerant for infidelity. And then there are all the Presidential affairs. Ester Perel provides a thoughtful guide to a growing social problem. GRADE: A-
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
Acknowledgments p. ix
Introduction p. xiii
Part I: Setting the Stage
Chapter 1 A New Conversation About Marriage and Infidelity p. 3
Chapter 2 Defining Infidelity: Is Chatting Cheating? p. 18
Chapter 3 Affairs Are Not What They Used to Be p. 36
Part II: The Fallout
Chapter 4 Why Betrayal Hurts So Much: Death by a Thousand Cuts p. 55
Chapter 5 Little Shop of Horrors: Do Some Affairs Hurt More than Others? p. 76
Chapter 6 Jealousy: The Spark of Eros p. 92
Chapter 7 Self-Blame or Vengeance: The Dagger Cuts Both Ways p. 109
Chapter 8 To Tell or Not to Tell? The Politics of Secrecy and Revelation p. 127
Part III: Meanings and Motives
Chapter 9 Even Happy People Cheat: Mining the Meanings of Affairs p. 151
Chapter 10 An Antidote to Deadness: The Lure of the Forbidden p. 172
Chapter 11 Is Sex Ever Just Sex?: The Emotional Economics of Adultery p. 190
Chapter 12 The Mother of All Betrayals?: Affairs Among Other Marital Misdemeanors p. 214
Chapter 13 The Lover’s Dilemma: Conversations with the Other Woman p. 233
Part IV: Ever After
Chapter 14 Monogamy and Its Discontents: Rethinking Marriage p. 255
Chapter 15 After the Storm: the Legacy of an Affair p. 280
Notes p. 303
Index p. 311

19 thoughts on “THE STATE OF AFFAIRS: RETHINKING INFIDELITY By Esther Perel

  1. Patti Abbott

    You surprise me at least once a week with what you pick up. (And I mean books not women).

    Reply
  2. Jeff Meyerson

    Too many people are getting into “starter” marriages just because they think it’s time to be married – and “why not? we can always get divorced if it doesn’t work out” -who have no business getting married in the first place.

    I love the exchange between Billy Crystal and Bruno Kirby in WHEN HARRY MET SALLY…:

    Jess – Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.
    Harry – Oh, really? Well, that “symptom” is f#cking my wife.

    Is there more infidelity today than 40 or 50 years ago? I don’t know. I do know that people seem a lot more cavalier about marrying and divorcing instead of making sure they are doing the right thing in the first place.

    And keep off my lawn!

    Reply
    1. george Post author

      Jeff, you’re right about the changing views of marriage and fidelity. I think all the Presidential infidelity over the years has sent the country the message: it’s okay to cheat.

      Reply
      1. Jeff Meyerson

        Well, Trump certainly has never believed in the “forsaking all others” part of his vows. (Then again, neither has his buddy Rudy.) Then you look at slugs like James Woods, who keeps dumping his already decades younger “girlfriends” for younger and younger models.

  3. Deb

    I’d say the main problem I’ve seen in both my own generation and my kids’ generation is not so much “the grass is always greener on the other side” syndrome, but “I will never stop looking for greener grass”. One of the commitments we make when we marry is to say, essentially, “I’m not going to be looking elsewhere—and you’re not either!” People don’t appear to be living that way so much anymore.

    Reply
      1. george Post author

        Jeff, I think part of the problem is marketing. Marketing creates the need for “more” and “better” and that spills into private life, not just shopping behavior. This discontent makes people want to “trade up” to “get more.” Of course, this rarely works out in Real Life relationships.

    1. george Post author

      Deb, that’s true. People don’t seem satisfied with their romantic relationships. They always want something “better.” I’m still stunned that the Evangelical community still strongly supports Trump despite Stormy Daniels.

      Reply
      1. Rick Robinson

        Apparently the Trump supporters are too busy demanding 6 week abortion laws to care about a philandering President. I don’t get it either.

      2. george Post author

        Rick, 85% of Evangelicals strongly support Trump. His actions are a violation of everything they espouse. How is this not hypocrisy?

  4. Dan

    My problem is that I’m attracted to smart women, and no smart woman would even go out with me.

    Reply
    1. Jeff Meyerson

      Dan, that reminds me of the line from a Jimmy Buffett song, “I’m looking for a smart woman in a real short skirt.”

      Reply
  5. Rick Robinson

    You say ” The Internet acts like gasoline dumped on a fire. Sex is just a click away.”
    I don’t know what internet YOU have and look at, but it’s sure not at all what I see when I turn on the computer in the morning!

    I didn’t get married until I was 60. I knew when I did it would be a life-long commitment, so I waited for the right person. I’m in for the long haul, and this “have an affair” thing is BS.

    Reply
    1. george Post author

      Rick, there are dozens of “apps” that cater to quick and easy sex. Clearly, you and I are not in that audience, but millions of people are.

      Reply
  6. Cap'n Bob

    I’m reading a lot of male bashing here, but who are they balling? Women who are also weak in the fidelity department!

    Reply

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